It's been a while

since I last posted, but right now I need to.

I've given myself a little congratulations for every day that I haven't cut myself these past few months, the urge is coming back, harder faster and stronger. I don't know how much longer I can take the pressing feeling. Last time I cut was quite a long time ago, they were deep, took a long time to stop bleeding. The scars look open, I need to fulfill my sick craving.

I hate myself for it but honestly it stops my anger being projected outwards. I have been so on edge recently snapping at anyone and everyone for little or no reason. In effect at the moment I'm procrastinating, trying to keep myself busy for long enough so this feeling might have the courtesy to pass. I know it wont, I know I'll have to.

In some ways I'd love a dysfunctional family, or a shitty relationship so I'd have a fucking reason to feel like this, but it's just my head playing games with me, and I know I can't stop it. I'd love to be normal, I really would, give me some pills to regulate my fucking stupid emotions and I'll take them gladly, but asking for that help is a fucking huge leap that I don't think I can deal with.

I'd get there, tell them my issues, and they's tell me, you're just a teenager, it's totally normal to be this way. But it isn't, I know it isn't, not every teenager has to cut themselves routinely to harness their incredible rage. Where the fuck do I go? Would they tell my family, probably. Then it's a huge no no. They can't know. If they didn't know I would glady get help.

I tried counselling, pah, they could not give less of a shit about what you're saying. She said that it's all confidential, unless what I tell her could be causing me danger; i.e. exactly what I want to talk to her about, cutting myself. Life a cunt really.

How can I have been so happy for weeks, and now this black cloud has engulfed me. That's it really,I'm just not allowes to be happy for longer than that. I'm going out with my friends tomorrow, hopefully that will cheer me up. I don't want to be shitty and ruin our day, because I haven't seen them all since Butlins which was lovely.

Procrastination didn't last all that long, oh well.