Falling Apart At The Seams.

It's definitely getting worse I'm cycling a lot more rapidly than I have ever been.
I was quite happy today, bordering on delirious at some points and yet now, how can I feel so utterly buried by my feelings of self loathing.

I fucking hate the way I am right now and I'm finished with school just about and I should be ecstatic but I still feel like my tight knit group of friends are falling apart at the seams. I love those guys with every fibre of my being, they are amazing. If we lose each other- there's no if about it! I will not let it happen. Fuck. Please don't let it happen.

A little part of me wants them to read this to realise that we are slipping away from each other gradually, I don't think I'll ever have another group of friends like them. Who I can be myself around. They always make me smile, no matter fucking what. I couldn't bear to lose them. Fucking hell I'm crying again; only because I can see it happening far too clearly. I can't write anymore.

I'm always having one of those days.

Fucking hell. I'm crying again, and I don't know why.

Sometimes depression, and I hate using that word, just washes over me.

But you put on your brave face and trudge through tomorrow. Then the next day. The next day. Living life day by day is killing me.

I hate it when people catch me crying. I like being by myself, but no. Being a mother means pestering your child to death. THERE'S NOT ALWAYS A REASON!

They don't really care. They only check on me because they feel as though they should see if I'm okay. If they didn't they'd look like they didn't care at all. But I know it's all a front.

I feel like my group of friends are drifting, and I'm scared. They are the only people who fucking understand me, and the way I need to be left alone if I'm crying or the way to make me laugh if I feel like shit. They KNOW me. I wish my family did too. They see the brave face everyday, the face I put forward, everyone just accepts that version of me, nobody cares enough to look deeper and see ME.

Nobody sees me.

I'm tempted.

I threw away my blades.

I'll find a way.

Updating Upcoming Events!

Last official day of school - 17th May
Various Exams
Prom!! - 5th July
Ashleigh's Birthday - 6th July
Butlins! - 12th - 16th July ^_^
Ellie's Birthday - 22nd August
College!!! - September

School, College, and Sims.

The end of my school life is closing in on me, and I couldn't welcome it any quicker; but there is so much school work that I am still yet to do.
Everytime I look at a mock maths exam all I want to do is break down because after 5 years of maths I still can't answer any of the questions without help from someone.
Chemistry and Physics are the same, I'm totally fine with Biology, I can retain information for biology with no trouble, but you start giving me silly formulae for chemistry, physics and maths and I shut down. I get so frustrated when I can't do things ¬¬
I was originally planning to do biology and chemistry A Levels at college, pah! Fat chance of that now. So after too many nights of crying myself to sleep, not knowing what the fucking hell I'm going to do with my life, I have drawn the conclusion that it's not the end of the world. I've always had a set path for myself, career wise, I used to want to be a lawyer, then an accountant, then a forensic scientist; to be honest I don't have the skills required for any of these careers.
So I stopped panicking for a minute, and tried to figure out what I'm good at, I always get A's in English if I try, so I guess that qualifies as being good. So I'm taking English Lit/Lang as one of my A level subjects, english just comes naturally to me, and I really enjoy it.
Another subject I loved doing was History, I got a B in my GCSEs so why not take it up for A levels, considering the course is on Nazi Germany, I think I'll do okay. It was my favourite history unit.
Then I'll be taking Psychology and Art. The scary thing is I don't know where all this is going to lead me, and that frightens me so much; not knowing what I'm going to do.
Oh and on top of all that stress, I'm getting fat. All of my fat trousers are now snug ¬¬ Fuck, I make myself feel sick. How could anyone stand to look at me. I'm ugly and fucking fat. I think I might just become a crazy cat lady.

I'm such a coward, I always think to myself, well if my plans don't work out I'll just kill myself. It's the easy way out, a couple dozen pills, a razor blade and a lovely hot bath. I worry myself because that, to me, sounds far too inviting.

I'm off to play out a dream life on Sims, where I, and only I have control.