New Beginnnings, Loniless, and Self-Pity.

I've been inspired to re-start this blog.

I had another average school day, it all seems to pass in a blur these last few weeks. I feel no different from one week to the next, I'm completely emotionally drained, I hadn't cried in forever. After getting in from school I sat down, watched tv and realised how empty and meaningless my life really is. What is the point of my existence, I have no impact on the world. I'm probably being over dramatic but I feel so shit right now, all of the emotions I've been subconsciously bottling up in the last month have come spilling over and I feel totally depressed, and I hate using that word, because it makes me feel like I have an illness or something.

I think I've been caging my emotions because I hate feeling sad and lonely, and showing my friends that I cry, and that I'm not always the happy, smiley person. If you cry people will always try to comfort you. I hate that. If I'm left alone and not spoken to, I'll get over whatever I'm dwelling on much much quicker, but people want to know why you're crying. Why are you crying? What's the matter? Are you alright? What's happened? There isn't always I reason, or even a reason I want to share with anyone. For me, it's so much easier to concentrate my emotions into a diary or at a computer screen. I feel like I'm doing something about it, but in reality no-one will read this, and if anyone does see it they wont get as far as this line in my entry, because I am a boring whiney teenager.

I'm also feeling pretty lonely in love recently, after I split up with Jordan I've been missing having someone who wants to love me, hug me, kiss me, and hold my hand all of the time; but.. I don't miss him. I feel horrid actually putting it into words, but I feel a lot more free now that we aren't seeing each other anymore, I don't feel as though I wasted 6 months on nothing, because there was no particular reason for me to break up with him, I just didn't feel the love anymore, the fire had burned out. I think for him it came out of nowhere and caught him off guard, but I had been mulling it over for a couple of weeks.

Wow! I've rambled for far too long now. Sleep tight children. x