College!

I've been at college for a few weeks now and it's fine, that just it fine really. I love English Language & Literature due to my very enthusiastic, slightly mental, teacher (: H e makes me want to read ahead and know the answers to all of the questions he quizzes me with. Everyone is kind of quiet in my class so I don't feel overshadowed by any big personalities.

I love my Film Studies class equally, I have one of my best friends sitting next to me during this year at least, so it was easier to get into it because I have someone to crack little jokes to without feeling like I'm being judged. The teacher is lovely, I didn't get the best first impression of her but she has definitely softened up and grown on me, she hasn't been in for the past three lessons though, so I feel like we're behind in the course compared to some of the other classes. The boy who sits opposite me in film studies seems so nice, strangely the thing that drew me to him was the ice breaker exercise we did; Carolyn, the teacher, told us to think of a word that sums us up as a person, I panicked, had no clue what to say and said 'Nervous Sophie' Dick -.- Then when it got around to him he called himself 'Useless Tom' I just wanted to give him a hug :) I found out his last name and added him on Facebook, I've since developed a little obsession with him.

Sociology and Psychology are okay, nothing special, I expected Psychology to be a lot more interesting, Sociology is a bore regardless, but I've found solace in a boy called Spencer, he's lovely and in both of these classes with me. We get along like a house on fire, he's the only person I've come close to calling a friend in college. I haven't really connected with anyone else, I want to connect with Tom, but I'm not sure that will happen :/ I can wish right?

Two of my friends have all the same free lessons as me, it's nice to always have someone to sit with when I need to, but I'd also like to be able to sit in the library alone and read, or do some studying, as nerdy as that is, it's true. I like sitting in the library, it's quiet, peaceful.

Thankfully I haven't had any major mishaps or embarrassments as of yet, but my time will come, it always does. I hope to make some friends, and hopefully steal the heart of the boy from my Film Studies class. :)

It's been a while

since I last posted, but right now I need to.

I've given myself a little congratulations for every day that I haven't cut myself these past few months, the urge is coming back, harder faster and stronger. I don't know how much longer I can take the pressing feeling. Last time I cut was quite a long time ago, they were deep, took a long time to stop bleeding. The scars look open, I need to fulfill my sick craving.

I hate myself for it but honestly it stops my anger being projected outwards. I have been so on edge recently snapping at anyone and everyone for little or no reason. In effect at the moment I'm procrastinating, trying to keep myself busy for long enough so this feeling might have the courtesy to pass. I know it wont, I know I'll have to.

In some ways I'd love a dysfunctional family, or a shitty relationship so I'd have a fucking reason to feel like this, but it's just my head playing games with me, and I know I can't stop it. I'd love to be normal, I really would, give me some pills to regulate my fucking stupid emotions and I'll take them gladly, but asking for that help is a fucking huge leap that I don't think I can deal with.

I'd get there, tell them my issues, and they's tell me, you're just a teenager, it's totally normal to be this way. But it isn't, I know it isn't, not every teenager has to cut themselves routinely to harness their incredible rage. Where the fuck do I go? Would they tell my family, probably. Then it's a huge no no. They can't know. If they didn't know I would glady get help.

I tried counselling, pah, they could not give less of a shit about what you're saying. She said that it's all confidential, unless what I tell her could be causing me danger; i.e. exactly what I want to talk to her about, cutting myself. Life a cunt really.

How can I have been so happy for weeks, and now this black cloud has engulfed me. That's it really,I'm just not allowes to be happy for longer than that. I'm going out with my friends tomorrow, hopefully that will cheer me up. I don't want to be shitty and ruin our day, because I haven't seen them all since Butlins which was lovely.

Procrastination didn't last all that long, oh well.

You would win in a fight against Helen just saying :)

lol thanks (:

Shoot!

Falling Apart At The Seams.

It's definitely getting worse I'm cycling a lot more rapidly than I have ever been.
I was quite happy today, bordering on delirious at some points and yet now, how can I feel so utterly buried by my feelings of self loathing.

I fucking hate the way I am right now and I'm finished with school just about and I should be ecstatic but I still feel like my tight knit group of friends are falling apart at the seams. I love those guys with every fibre of my being, they are amazing. If we lose each other- there's no if about it! I will not let it happen. Fuck. Please don't let it happen.

A little part of me wants them to read this to realise that we are slipping away from each other gradually, I don't think I'll ever have another group of friends like them. Who I can be myself around. They always make me smile, no matter fucking what. I couldn't bear to lose them. Fucking hell I'm crying again; only because I can see it happening far too clearly. I can't write anymore.

I'm always having one of those days.

Fucking hell. I'm crying again, and I don't know why.

Sometimes depression, and I hate using that word, just washes over me.

But you put on your brave face and trudge through tomorrow. Then the next day. The next day. Living life day by day is killing me.

I hate it when people catch me crying. I like being by myself, but no. Being a mother means pestering your child to death. THERE'S NOT ALWAYS A REASON!

They don't really care. They only check on me because they feel as though they should see if I'm okay. If they didn't they'd look like they didn't care at all. But I know it's all a front.

I feel like my group of friends are drifting, and I'm scared. They are the only people who fucking understand me, and the way I need to be left alone if I'm crying or the way to make me laugh if I feel like shit. They KNOW me. I wish my family did too. They see the brave face everyday, the face I put forward, everyone just accepts that version of me, nobody cares enough to look deeper and see ME.

Nobody sees me.

I'm tempted.

I threw away my blades.

I'll find a way.

Updating Upcoming Events!

Last official day of school - 17th May
Various Exams
Prom!! - 5th July
Ashleigh's Birthday - 6th July
Butlins! - 12th - 16th July ^_^
Ellie's Birthday - 22nd August
College!!! - September

School, College, and Sims.

The end of my school life is closing in on me, and I couldn't welcome it any quicker; but there is so much school work that I am still yet to do.
Everytime I look at a mock maths exam all I want to do is break down because after 5 years of maths I still can't answer any of the questions without help from someone.
Chemistry and Physics are the same, I'm totally fine with Biology, I can retain information for biology with no trouble, but you start giving me silly formulae for chemistry, physics and maths and I shut down. I get so frustrated when I can't do things ¬¬
I was originally planning to do biology and chemistry A Levels at college, pah! Fat chance of that now. So after too many nights of crying myself to sleep, not knowing what the fucking hell I'm going to do with my life, I have drawn the conclusion that it's not the end of the world. I've always had a set path for myself, career wise, I used to want to be a lawyer, then an accountant, then a forensic scientist; to be honest I don't have the skills required for any of these careers.
So I stopped panicking for a minute, and tried to figure out what I'm good at, I always get A's in English if I try, so I guess that qualifies as being good. So I'm taking English Lit/Lang as one of my A level subjects, english just comes naturally to me, and I really enjoy it.
Another subject I loved doing was History, I got a B in my GCSEs so why not take it up for A levels, considering the course is on Nazi Germany, I think I'll do okay. It was my favourite history unit.
Then I'll be taking Psychology and Art. The scary thing is I don't know where all this is going to lead me, and that frightens me so much; not knowing what I'm going to do.
Oh and on top of all that stress, I'm getting fat. All of my fat trousers are now snug ¬¬ Fuck, I make myself feel sick. How could anyone stand to look at me. I'm ugly and fucking fat. I think I might just become a crazy cat lady.

I'm such a coward, I always think to myself, well if my plans don't work out I'll just kill myself. It's the easy way out, a couple dozen pills, a razor blade and a lovely hot bath. I worry myself because that, to me, sounds far too inviting.

I'm off to play out a dream life on Sims, where I, and only I have control.

Upcoming Events;

26th March;My Birthday party ^_^
27th March;Ashleigh's party.
28th March;My 16th Birthday.
28th April;Dance Gavin Dance.
10th May;Last official day of school.. ever!!
July 5th;College induction day/Prom!
July.. sometime after prom, can;t remember date exactly;Butlins!


I have a lot of shit coming up!

Maths, Hanami and Shit Novels.

I am currently re-sitting my Maths GCSE because I didn't get the B grade that I need. So I am studying for that, but maths and I, aren't the best if friends to say the least. Every time I look at the questions I'm supposed to know how to answer I feel sick, frustrated and want to break down. Maths is the main cause of my stress at the moment.

I've just started a new project in Textiles; Ceremonies. I chose to do Hanami; a Japanese celebration or appreciation, if you like, of flowers, in particular the Cherry Blossom, also known as Sakura. Because I've chosen the subject of the project and it's something I want to do I'm more motivated to actually put some effort into the work.

I was really up and down today; I started the day neutral, then at lunch I had a giddy episode, then in Maths I got all depressed and shit, like thinking about my life and how I'm going to make nothing of myself if I fuck up this Maths GCSE, I'm going to end up in either, an office doing monotonous filing work, or in an underground studio writing novels that nobody will ever read.

Anyhoozle rantage over. I'm not going to bang on about my feelings for much longer because I don't particularly enjoy typing on this keyboard -.-

Boredom, boredom and more boredom!

At present I am sitting in my horrifically boring Retail lesson, n StumbleUpon. This lesson makes me want to die in all honesty. Boreeeeeeeeeeeed. ¬¬

Just a tiny update.

New Beginnnings, Loniless, and Self-Pity.

I've been inspired to re-start this blog.

I had another average school day, it all seems to pass in a blur these last few weeks. I feel no different from one week to the next, I'm completely emotionally drained, I hadn't cried in forever. After getting in from school I sat down, watched tv and realised how empty and meaningless my life really is. What is the point of my existence, I have no impact on the world. I'm probably being over dramatic but I feel so shit right now, all of the emotions I've been subconsciously bottling up in the last month have come spilling over and I feel totally depressed, and I hate using that word, because it makes me feel like I have an illness or something.

I think I've been caging my emotions because I hate feeling sad and lonely, and showing my friends that I cry, and that I'm not always the happy, smiley person. If you cry people will always try to comfort you. I hate that. If I'm left alone and not spoken to, I'll get over whatever I'm dwelling on much much quicker, but people want to know why you're crying. Why are you crying? What's the matter? Are you alright? What's happened? There isn't always I reason, or even a reason I want to share with anyone. For me, it's so much easier to concentrate my emotions into a diary or at a computer screen. I feel like I'm doing something about it, but in reality no-one will read this, and if anyone does see it they wont get as far as this line in my entry, because I am a boring whiney teenager.

I'm also feeling pretty lonely in love recently, after I split up with Jordan I've been missing having someone who wants to love me, hug me, kiss me, and hold my hand all of the time; but.. I don't miss him. I feel horrid actually putting it into words, but I feel a lot more free now that we aren't seeing each other anymore, I don't feel as though I wasted 6 months on nothing, because there was no particular reason for me to break up with him, I just didn't feel the love anymore, the fire had burned out. I think for him it came out of nowhere and caught him off guard, but I had been mulling it over for a couple of weeks.

Wow! I've rambled for far too long now. Sleep tight children. x