Here I am again

I think I've been looking at the computer screen for too long, my field of vision is obscured by what looks like venetian blinds. So that's a little scary but it'll pass I'm sure, I just hope I'm not having a stroke or something.
Harry Potter is over, I sobbed like a baby in the cinema, walked out with black running down my face, it was amazing but utterly heart breaking simultaneously. I wish there was more to come; there is in a way with Pottermore, but I have no idea how in depth that is or what it involves really so I await it's arrival with bated breath.
Summer has begun, so I should be shouting from the rooftops, going out, getting drunk with my friends and having summer romances; but I don't feel like doing any of that, I would much rather stay in my bedroom and read books all summer. I have no money, no job, no relationship, nothing of any worth. So what is the point I ask. This is turning into a depressing entry I can tell, but here I am again, on the brink of tears and wondering why. Why do I feel like crying, why am I even here, what's the fucking point.
Maybe I just need some chocolate for endorphins or serotonin or whatever, but as with anything that makes you happy in the short term it'll make you fat, or unhappy, or give you cancer in the long term. But fuck it, you only live once. So how comes I have no energy to live the life I want to live, to go to places, and see things, get into trouble and worm my way out again. That girl, she's inside me, she wants to come out but I feel rooted, and tired and I just want to sleep for months and wake up when everything is better, and I have money, and love and a perfect body.
Everyone is aggravating me, my neighbours have decided that Thursday night is prime time for a cackle-fest, my mum's giggling like a five year old, my sister is nagging like she is my mother.
I don't know what I need, but it's something big, I really feel like I have a Harry Potter shaped hole in my heart, my very being. It hurts a lot. The hole used to be satisfied by a cup of tea but it's so much more than that now, I ache to my core because my childhood is over because now I have to grow up, be responsible, learn to drive, to cook, to be an adult, learn about taxes and insurance. Fuck that. I want to be here forever, when all that matters is your summer project and whether you'll have enough time to read all the books you want to.
I never want to sacrifice my reading time, because it helps me escape, helps me handle reality by slipping away to Rivendell, or Hogsmeade.
Sometimes it's a chore to breath, but I know there's always light at the end of the short tunnel, I just have to wait it out and escape somewhere.

Neglected.

Sorry for abandoning you blogger. Tumblr has taken main stage. Although I can post pictures and funny gifs it's not the right place to talk about my day or whatever.

So I'll try to get back in to using this for long rambly posts. Not that anyone reads this, but y'know if anyone visits I don't want it to be dormant :)

My first year of college is over, just in the transition period for the second year now, which is incredibly pointless but if I don't go to the lessons they don't let you carry on the course, so basically my college is a douche bag because every other college has broken up for summer now and I still have a few weeks to go -.- Although it does give me more quality time with my favourite person.

Life in general is pretty alright at the moment, I'm so skint that I have to borrow money all the time like a fucking sponger which I hate, but everything is going okay. I'm surviving, and this summer, I've promised myself that I'll start living. I've got a plan to snatch up the one person who has my attention, who knows if it will work or not, but as a good friend once said, you miss 100% of the chances you don't take. That's what made me think, fuck yes I'm going to try my hardest, and if it doesn't work out then at least I won't have any regrets.

I'm seeing my best friend tomorrow morning to watch Dexter, and fuck about :) then I have a barbeque to go to, which should be lovely :) despite a certain someone being there, but I'm not going to say a word to him, act as if he isn't there. However, if he attempts to say even one word to me I will drop that fucker before the sound has the chance to leave his mouth.

Then Friday I'm having a pub lunch which my two ladies, then we're off to the local music festival thing for a nice day out, I just hope the nice weather decides to grace us with its presence. Apparently the theme is WWII, vintage cars and old pictures, I am so in there :) I want to get some batteries for my camera so I can take a few pictures, bang them on tumblr :3

I usually use this for depressing entries and when I need to rant, but I think it needs to have a bit more of a glass half full kind of feel to it, so I'm going to try to post something at least once a week.

Well, until next week, or before if you're lucky (lol no one reads this anyway) I'm off to play generations and become well and truly addicted. G'night xo

College!

I've been at college for a few weeks now and it's fine, that just it fine really. I love English Language & Literature due to my very enthusiastic, slightly mental, teacher (: H e makes me want to read ahead and know the answers to all of the questions he quizzes me with. Everyone is kind of quiet in my class so I don't feel overshadowed by any big personalities.

I love my Film Studies class equally, I have one of my best friends sitting next to me during this year at least, so it was easier to get into it because I have someone to crack little jokes to without feeling like I'm being judged. The teacher is lovely, I didn't get the best first impression of her but she has definitely softened up and grown on me, she hasn't been in for the past three lessons though, so I feel like we're behind in the course compared to some of the other classes. The boy who sits opposite me in film studies seems so nice, strangely the thing that drew me to him was the ice breaker exercise we did; Carolyn, the teacher, told us to think of a word that sums us up as a person, I panicked, had no clue what to say and said 'Nervous Sophie' Dick -.- Then when it got around to him he called himself 'Useless Tom' I just wanted to give him a hug :) I found out his last name and added him on Facebook, I've since developed a little obsession with him.

Sociology and Psychology are okay, nothing special, I expected Psychology to be a lot more interesting, Sociology is a bore regardless, but I've found solace in a boy called Spencer, he's lovely and in both of these classes with me. We get along like a house on fire, he's the only person I've come close to calling a friend in college. I haven't really connected with anyone else, I want to connect with Tom, but I'm not sure that will happen :/ I can wish right?

Two of my friends have all the same free lessons as me, it's nice to always have someone to sit with when I need to, but I'd also like to be able to sit in the library alone and read, or do some studying, as nerdy as that is, it's true. I like sitting in the library, it's quiet, peaceful.

Thankfully I haven't had any major mishaps or embarrassments as of yet, but my time will come, it always does. I hope to make some friends, and hopefully steal the heart of the boy from my Film Studies class. :)

It's been a while

since I last posted, but right now I need to.

I've given myself a little congratulations for every day that I haven't cut myself these past few months, the urge is coming back, harder faster and stronger. I don't know how much longer I can take the pressing feeling. Last time I cut was quite a long time ago, they were deep, took a long time to stop bleeding. The scars look open, I need to fulfill my sick craving.

I hate myself for it but honestly it stops my anger being projected outwards. I have been so on edge recently snapping at anyone and everyone for little or no reason. In effect at the moment I'm procrastinating, trying to keep myself busy for long enough so this feeling might have the courtesy to pass. I know it wont, I know I'll have to.

In some ways I'd love a dysfunctional family, or a shitty relationship so I'd have a fucking reason to feel like this, but it's just my head playing games with me, and I know I can't stop it. I'd love to be normal, I really would, give me some pills to regulate my fucking stupid emotions and I'll take them gladly, but asking for that help is a fucking huge leap that I don't think I can deal with.

I'd get there, tell them my issues, and they's tell me, you're just a teenager, it's totally normal to be this way. But it isn't, I know it isn't, not every teenager has to cut themselves routinely to harness their incredible rage. Where the fuck do I go? Would they tell my family, probably. Then it's a huge no no. They can't know. If they didn't know I would glady get help.

I tried counselling, pah, they could not give less of a shit about what you're saying. She said that it's all confidential, unless what I tell her could be causing me danger; i.e. exactly what I want to talk to her about, cutting myself. Life a cunt really.

How can I have been so happy for weeks, and now this black cloud has engulfed me. That's it really,I'm just not allowes to be happy for longer than that. I'm going out with my friends tomorrow, hopefully that will cheer me up. I don't want to be shitty and ruin our day, because I haven't seen them all since Butlins which was lovely.

Procrastination didn't last all that long, oh well.

You would win in a fight against Helen just saying :)

lol thanks (:

Shoot!

Falling Apart At The Seams.

It's definitely getting worse I'm cycling a lot more rapidly than I have ever been.
I was quite happy today, bordering on delirious at some points and yet now, how can I feel so utterly buried by my feelings of self loathing.

I fucking hate the way I am right now and I'm finished with school just about and I should be ecstatic but I still feel like my tight knit group of friends are falling apart at the seams. I love those guys with every fibre of my being, they are amazing. If we lose each other- there's no if about it! I will not let it happen. Fuck. Please don't let it happen.

A little part of me wants them to read this to realise that we are slipping away from each other gradually, I don't think I'll ever have another group of friends like them. Who I can be myself around. They always make me smile, no matter fucking what. I couldn't bear to lose them. Fucking hell I'm crying again; only because I can see it happening far too clearly. I can't write anymore.

I'm always having one of those days.

Fucking hell. I'm crying again, and I don't know why.

Sometimes depression, and I hate using that word, just washes over me.

But you put on your brave face and trudge through tomorrow. Then the next day. The next day. Living life day by day is killing me.

I hate it when people catch me crying. I like being by myself, but no. Being a mother means pestering your child to death. THERE'S NOT ALWAYS A REASON!

They don't really care. They only check on me because they feel as though they should see if I'm okay. If they didn't they'd look like they didn't care at all. But I know it's all a front.

I feel like my group of friends are drifting, and I'm scared. They are the only people who fucking understand me, and the way I need to be left alone if I'm crying or the way to make me laugh if I feel like shit. They KNOW me. I wish my family did too. They see the brave face everyday, the face I put forward, everyone just accepts that version of me, nobody cares enough to look deeper and see ME.

Nobody sees me.

I'm tempted.

I threw away my blades.

I'll find a way.